The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.