[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*