I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
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Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”