Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Put this video in the Louvre
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.