dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
He-man has a Masters degree
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
the worm is coming from inside the brain
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button