@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music