My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.