[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
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Them: Just act casual
Me:
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I got bills
They’re multiplying
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
No laws when master is gone
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”