One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.