Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.