Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?