You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?