“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
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Ladies, why y’all do this?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone