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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Webb. James Webb.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener