Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*