I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?