Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Who did it better?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator