Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
man: wait
time: no
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Hot hot hot 🥵
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes