Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.