I love the National Park Service.
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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Sounds like a bargain
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
*power walks to the refrigerator*
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles