I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
S/o to @funTweeters .
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me