If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.