Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*