sounds kinky. i’m in.
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Nigella has gone too far this time.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me too
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”