馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
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“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It鈥檚….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Little known fact:
Young children鈥檚 bones are not the same as an adult. Children鈥檚 elbows are actually made of knives.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you鈥檙e willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
ME: I鈥檝e been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child鈥檚 tuition because education is important
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I鈥檝e killed the lawn?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells