it’s a van. how do they not know this
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.