pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost