me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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Wait a second…
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Mmmm canned fish.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”