Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
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“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”