Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
When you kidnap a writer.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Stop it! 😂
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection