Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI