3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.