what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.