[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
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Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Sorry not sorry.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?