If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
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Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )