This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.