(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
2023 was just a warmup
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”