When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.