I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
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*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Liquor Store Parking
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.