I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
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Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end