No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’m Sold!
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.