Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
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Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees