GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God