One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.