Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I didn’t come here to be called names
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.