Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.