we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons