[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
the three branches of government
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.