How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Get in loser we’re going crying
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.