Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.